So here I am....feeling guilty. Even in bloggyland poor Tiny is clearly the third child. I did tons of FF's on Big and Little preceding their respective birthdays, and Tiny, my sweet sweetness Tiny will be one in oh, 12 DAYS and this is the time I choose to go A-wall. I have plenty of great excuses for my scattered brain, but I'm just not that into using excuses anymore.So here we are... A Friday night. My house is quiet and tidy. My husband is miles and miles away. I just finished nursing and rocking Tiny, and I'm flashing back into the not so distant past admitting a truth I can't even wrap my head around anymore...

I could tell you all that when I looked into this sweet four months old face I knew that she was a Little girl who needed to be a big sister.That when I found out days after this picture was taken that I was ONCE again pregnant I was ecstatic and leaping for joy. I could tell you that, but I'd be lying. I wish it were the truth but it wasn't. Actually the polar opposite- I was completely floored, dare I say devastated at the news. Many of my closest confidants got phone calls that were indiscernible groans. I was not supposed to be THAT mom. You know the ones with the double strollers holding babies that could almost be twins. After having Little I didn't doubt that I had enough love, but did I have enough of everything else? What about Little, after all she was just that. How could I be pregnant...how?

Oh, yes those 2 pink lines rocked my carefully constructed world and I freaked out. EVERYONE said it's be fine. I was unconvinced. I found myself once again remembering how it felt to tell Jay about Big. How was he going to feel? How would he react? Yes, we were a million miles from that moment but as I awaited his homecoming it felt just as heavy. It's so funny what fear does to you. I was literally tied in knots. I could hardly speak.

That moment is etched so deeply inside me. I was so doubtful, he was so calm and sure. He saw the blessing and helped me out of the deep dark bleakness.

As my pregnancy progressed the concept grew on me; both literally, and figuratively. I knew that I had tried my best to avoid a blessing, and yet my Daddy saw fit to give me one anyway (isn't He good?). It makes me laugh now to imagine Jay chasing Little trying to convince her he has her favorite sweets hidden, but she won't even stop to breath. She Just runs around yelling lalalalalalalala.
That was me, before I realized how great He was blessing me.