I haven't given you all an update on Tinys vision in a long time.

I haven't because I've been discouraged, and quite honestly a bit ashamed. I haven't been sticking to her treatment very well. As most of you know she's a happy child, a VERY happy child. But, as a friend pointed out to me recently happy doesn't mean compliant. She's so strong willed!!!! If she doesn't want something, trust me you will know. She is very vocal, and assertive. And- she really hates her vision therapies. REALLY.

I started slacking off when she was so sick in Feb. I mean who wants a sick baby to spend her only happy hours screaming and pawing at her eye? NOT ME!

The problem is she got better, but I never recovered. I tried to. I tried putting her glasses on her. It worked. If you count working as physically forcing her to wear them (holding them on, batting her hands, ect.) for 10 minutes as she screamed. Then giving in, taking them off, and listening to her protests for another 10 minutes...I guess she wanted to be sure I got the point. I'd think they are the wrong prescription, except the Dr. has checked it MULTIPLE times for me. Yes, I am that mom. The good news is her eyes are settling. One is crossing more predominately then the other. That means that it almost certainly IS a vision issue correctable with glasses instead of surgery. Now I just have to stick with the therapy. (we see her eye Dr. again in 2 weeks)

So needless to say I've been frustrated (more with myself). She is preparing to walk any day now, and I'm so worried about her view of the world.

Does she see with clarity, or is the whole world like a waking dream?

I don't want her to end up getting hurt because I've been lazy. I don't want her to step off a stair because she can't define the edges. I want her to see this wonderful BEAUTIFUL world fully focused.

So in an effort of encouragement her siblings showed their solidarity. It made her smile. I don't know what she was thinking, but it gave me a new resolve. I will stay the course. I will do what she needs, even if it's hard. because My Daddy has taught me that that is real love.

...I will see her screams as a new song, a clearer vision song.

I will.

While trying to sort pictures into the proper folders on my computer today I ran across this photo of our sand dollar family.


In the late spring of 2003 Jay and I found them while beach combing in Monterey. We laughed at how much they symbolized our little family. One of the bigger ones is darker, one is a little broken, and the wee tiny one is delicate and pristine. They immediately became treasures to my heart. Looking back I can remember how deeply important they were to me. I was so fragile and insecure back then. I felt like if could protect them then my little family would be ok too. This little trio used to live on a prominent shelf, now I'm sure it's somewhere boxed up safe from the babies.

Isn't that stunning?

Now I don't feel as broken, and I'm secure in all my relationships. I don't need a trinket to safe guard, or remind me of my value and worth. I am happy living authentically. But, running across this picture made me smile non the less.

I whispered a heartfelt thank you to my Savior....life is good, correction He is good. Now I have a new excuse to go to the beach. He always provides. He gave me something tangible back then to protect, just like He was protecting me from the storms, and He gives me all I need now to enjoy the sunsets even if I do have a little sand in my suit from time to time.

....I'm so frustrated.

I feel like I shouldn't be, but I am.

We went to the dermatologist today about Little's arms. We've been worried about the rate at which her rashes are growing. he took one glance at her and said..."Eczema...pretty common.."
Now he was nice, and I know skin IS his specialty but he felt so patronizing, and dismissive to me. He really had no interest in our thoughts, and theories. Eczema is common. So it must be that right?

Well I thought that too until I started doing more research. There ARE other things that could be happening. It could be Candida (yeast). It could be psoriasis. But if the latest in science (the most revealing thing I've read on the subject is Eczema Free for Life, the local library carries it) can be believed I find it hard to accept it as eczema. Tiny, yes. She itches then rashes. 1 plus 1 does equal eczema with her, but Little doesn't itch until the rash gets so bad her skin is raw. So if eczema is truly "the itch that rashes" and that is what defines the diagnosis how can that be true for Little...

ARGH... maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I feel guilty for not wanting to infiltrate her little body with steroids that she may or may not need the rest of her life. If they help I'm going to feel like such a heel for waiting, but my gut keeps saying this is not right.

I think too much hu?

...BLAH...my brain hurts, and Little's arms hurt....please pray that I receive clarity on this issue, and she finds relief.